Part 1: The Start

I have been really contemplating posting this for some time but seeming as to a relapse in my life has started I seen it to be only be fitting. I relapsed into old habits a few weeks ago when my world was rearranged. I didn’t know I was slipping back until a professor and I had a bit of a misunderstanding causing me to really think about everything that was going on in my life. (Those of you who know me, know that is not who I am). Don’t worry I have since taken appropriate measures to ensure my safety and well being is on the right track. Even though my story started way back in high school it followed me into college. I’m grateful for my teammates, coaches, and professors who noticed it well before I did. Anyways here’s a bit of insight as to what truly happens when my brain goes on auto-pilot:

It goes from..

reading about healthy foods, to joining the gym, counting calories, googling calories, eating just a little less. Nothing crazy. You just want to be in shape to keep up and be stronger.

Then to weighing yourself maybe once a week, writing calories down in a journal, going to the gym more often, body checks, diet plans, weighing once a day, looking better now, and finally Loosing… finally feeling like a true runner.

But still you continue counting calories, writing them down, reading EVERY nutritional label, and not just knowing but memorizing calories in everything despite the fact that you only eat certain foods, going to the gym more and more each day, researching new diet plans, weighing yourself before and after eating, with no clothes, no watch praying that takes even just a little bit off, to looking at websites with labels as pro-Ana and thinspo to get you more motivated to have the skinny waste, thigh gaps, and perfect muscle definition. Through all this you lose weight but at a certain point you don’t lose weight like you have and you wonder why am I not losing anything? But it’s then at that moment you truly hit rock bottom, you don’t know it but you’ve lost control. Lost control over how you see yourself, your confidence, your smile, your passion is burned out, and you wonder if it’s worth fighting for. Running and food become an addiction, an virus if you will. It takes a teammate, a coach, a friend, to express concerns before you really understand what has happened. It takes one special person to say look I know you don’t believe me but you need help and that’s the start of a whole new battle my friend.

—>With this relapse, We (an ED speciality center and I) have found that I have something called body dysmorphia (also known as body image disorder) as well as signs of being an atypical anorexic. Body dysmorphia is were I don’t see my body like everyone else sees it or what it really looks like. Atypical anorexia is not something you really hear about but it fulfills some of the features anorexia nervosa but the over all clinical picture does not justify the full diagnosis. Therapy has been helping and having my support system in tact for when school starts is the best feeling. I don’t have to worry about being alone when my classes become to much or life becomes hectic.